1. Use my standing desk at least 30 (actually, make it 15) minutes every day.
A standing desk is one of those things we coo over the minute it graces our cubicle – “Oh, and did you see I have a standing desk?” Within a matter of weeks, however, it conforms to its true purpose – a stand for my monitor, hand lotion, and 82 pads of sticky notes – much as my butt has conformed to the shape of my padded desk chair.
2. Mute any and all topics related to weight loss, dieting and – ugh – wellness on Twitter.
Your body, your rules. My timeline, my rules. My one and only food-related resolution is to finish off this gallon of mango sorbet before it gets freezer burn.
3. Go to the gym more often than I went in 2018, which was approximately never.
This one is going to take several weeks of concentrated reflection to work up to. I’m convinced ellipticals can smell fear. Kickboxing and I had a really nice thing going a few years ago, but I’m pretty sure it’s also responsible for the crunchy sound my knees make every time I approach a set of stairs with too much gusto.
4. Stop feeling guilty about not listening to podcasts.
No, I haven’t heard that podcast and no, I’m probably not going to listen to it. My current media intake is a carefully curated selection of fanfiction, Jezebel articles and makeup tutorials. Sorry, Tinder dude. Sorry, friend with a political science degree. Sorry, professional Twitter arguer. I already have a master’s degree. The smart shit ship has sailed.
(Note: I will not be taking feedback on the disconnect between this resolution and my repeatedly stated desire to start my own podcast.)
5. Unbox the Instant Pot I bought on Black Friday and actually cook for once instead of spending every evening watching an hour’s worth of videos on Bon Appetit magazine’s YouTube channel.
This, uh, might be more of a personal one. But Brad and Claire are my second set of parents, dammit, and if I want to watch them argue over sourdough bread while I lay in bed eating a reheated tamale directly from the husk, that’s my prerogative. Post-grad life is going great, thanks for asking.